When Blame Holds You Back: My Journey to Self-Responsibility

I’ve been through a lot in my life, things that most people wouldn’t believe unless they had lived it themselves. I’ve had people threaten my life, take advantage of my kindness, and use me for whatever they could get for themselves. For a long time, I played the role of the victim. I cried about how I had been wronged, trying to understand why people could be so cruel. I would lash out, cussing and calling names, trying to process the pain. I studied human behavior, obsessing over the “why,” thinking that if I understood it, maybe I could protect myself from it happening again. But none of that helped me. If anything, it just made things worse. I sank deeper into depression, feeling completely powerless against the world around me, like my life was just a series of things that happened to me because of the choices other people made.

How I Found the Concept of Self-Responsibility

Lost in my pain, feeling unheard, abandoned, and rejected, I started searching for answers. Therapy, self-help books, videos, anything that might help me understand everything. I knew I wasn’t happy, but I blamed the world for that. Then, one day, I stumbled across a video. I don’t remember what it was or who was in it, but one thing hit me hard. “You are responsible for yourself.”

At first, I was furious. How could I possibly be responsible for someone putting a gun to my head? (Yes, that happened.) But instead of shutting it down completely, I sat with it. I let it sink in. And I kept listening. The person explained that it's not about taking the blame for your treatment; people are 100% responsible for their behaviors. It’s about what you are doing to invite the people into your life, the energy you invest into the person, the trauma you experienced that led you to the situation, and what you did to give your power away. This resonated with me.

I began reflecting on all of those times that someone harmed me, taking each situation apart individually. How did I meet this person? Where was I when I invited them into my circle? Why did I keep them around so long? As I sifted through it all and answered the questions for myself, I started to see a pattern and recognized that many of them came into my life when I was vulnerable. Here is an example of one of them. 

I had a reliable roommate for an entire year in my early twenties. I gave her my share of the rent in cash every month, and she would take care of the payment. I never had any reason to doubt her. Then, in the twelfth month, everything changed. She took my rent money but never paid the landlord.

I had no idea anything was wrong until I came home one day and saw an eviction notice on the door. That was how I found out she had stolen the money. I was in shock. I had trusted her, never imagining she would do something like that. Fear hit me hard; I had nowhere to go. On top of that, I was furious at her for betraying me. She had quit her job and, instead of finding another way to get by, decided to steal from me.

Then she disappeared. While I was at work, she packed up and moved out without telling me. I couldn’t even get in touch with her.

Thankfully, the apartment complex was privately owned. When I explained what happened, the owner agreed to take the security deposit to cover the debt and promised not to report the eviction to the credit bureau.

Still, I needed somewhere to go. That day, I received a phone call from a man I had met on a movie set. I told him I was busy, couldn’t talk, and needed to find somewhere to live. He said, “Hey, I have an extra room. You can stay with me.” I was desperate and apprehensive, but I took him up on the offer. This decision was not wise, although I didn’t realize it then.

The man was much older than I was. I don’t want to reveal too many details about everything that happened. Still, I will share that it became a very traumatic situation that only lasted for a couple of months and ended with him pulling a gun on me and me barely escaping with my life. I had to move back in with my mom and rebuild my life. I was young and just starting, so it didn’t destroy me. I spent a lot of time being fearful of moving forward; I was trapped and unhappy. 

What I Did Wrong And What I Finally Understood About Self-Responsibility

I wasn’t responsible for my roommate's decision to steal money from me, and I wasn’t accountable for what this man did; however, when I looked back on it, I could see where my responsibility was. This is where I made mistakes:

1. I didn’t pay the rent myself because I didn’t have a bank account; I didn’t have a bank account because I miscalculated my funds and bounced a check to the grocery store; I was $4 off in my calculations. I was sent to a check-writing class and had to pay an additional $300 in court fees to get this cleared. Instead of moving on, I got angry, closed my bank account, and used check-cashing places to get money out to pay for everything in cash. This system worked for me for a while, but it left me vulnerable by placing the responsibility of paying rent on my roommate. I was letting my ego make decisions for me instead of being logical.

2. Receiving an eviction notice because my roommate stole my money instead of paying rent left me in a more vulnerable situation. When the man called me and offered me a room to live in, I jumped into a living situation with someone I barely knew out of fear. I let fear drive me into a more dangerous situation.

While my choices do not excuse the behaviors of others, I can see where I could have made better decisions. Understanding this took away my victim mentality; it allowed me to learn from my mistakes and how to make better decisions. I offered myself some grace; I was 22 years old and still learning life. I don’t feel shame for my choices, and I don’t care to blame for what happened to me, but choosing to step away from what someone else did wrong and focusing on what I did allowed me to learn. 

That experience changed how I see the world and, more importantly, myself. I could have spent the rest of my life angry at my roommate for stealing from me or resentful of the man who put me in danger. But where would that have gotten me? Nowhere. I would still be trapped in a cycle of blame, waiting for the world to change instead of realizing that the power to change was always within me. Self-responsibility was the answer to changing life.

Everything shifted when I stopped focusing on what others had done and started looking at my choices. I saw how fear had led me into bad situations, how my ego had kept me from making smarter financial decisions, and how avoiding responsibility only made me more vulnerable. Recognizing my role didn’t mean excusing the harm others caused. It meant learning from my past so I wouldn’t repeat it.

Self-Responsibility is the Game Changer

When you take full responsibility for yourself, you stop waiting for someone to save you. You stop feeling powerless. You stop making decisions based on fear. Instead, you move with intention, knowing that every choice you make shapes your future. That’s the real lesson here. I didn’t have control over what others did, but I always had control over what I did next. And that realization changed everything.

Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.