In the world of healing and personal growth, there’s a subtle trap many of us fall into: emotional and spiritual bypassing. I’ve encountered this concept both in my own healing journey and while helping others navigate theirs. This concept can be tricky because it’s often disguised as something positive—like forgiveness or enlightenment—but it can keep us from fully healing and feeling our emotions.
What is Emotional and Spiritual Bypassing?
Emotional bypassing happens when we use spiritual or psychological practices to avoid dealing with unresolved emotional issues. It’s easy to say, “I’ve forgiven them, so I’m moving on,” or “Everything happens for a reason,” in doing so, we bypass the harder work of sitting with our pain, understanding it, and working through it. I’ve noticed it in myself when I’ve tried to jump to forgiveness, especially in situations where friendships or relationships have faded. For a long time, I tried to bypass the hurt by focusing on the positives, convincing myself I had moved on, but the underlying feelings of frustration and sadness were still there, unresolved.
Spiritual bypassing, on the other hand, occurs when we use spirituality—like meditation, mantras, or affirmations—to avoid addressing real-life emotional pain. In the early stages of my healing process, I found myself using positive affirmations to avoid sitting with the true depth of my grief after significant losses. I’d tell myself, “This is only temporary,” when I needed to allow myself the space to cry, grieve, and feel every emotion that came up.
How It Shows Up in Our Lives
Bypassing can feel comforting because it creates the illusion of progress. We tell ourselves that we’re fine, that we’ve let go, that we’re at peace—but in reality, those unhealed wounds linger beneath the surface. I’ve learned this the hard way through experiences with emotionally unavailable people. When I felt disillusioned with them, I initially told myself, “I’m past this; I’m healed.” But in reality, I was spiritually bypassing my very real hurt and disappointment by pretending to be more detached than I was.
This tendency, especially for those who have done much emotional work, is to think we’ve moved beyond certain feelings. I’ve been on a long healing journey, and sometimes I’d think, “I should be past this by now.” But healing doesn’t work on a timeline. Those still-surface emotions are there to teach us something if we allow ourselves to feel them.
The Dangers of Bypassing
The biggest danger of bypassing is that it keeps us from the real healing we need. When we don’t face our emotions head-on, they fester. We might feel stuck, repeating patterns, or notice the same kinds of people showing up in our lives. This happened to me when I found myself continually attracted to emotionally unavailable individuals. I would recognize the red flags back off—but that deeper pattern of attraction remained because I wasn’t fully acknowledging and healing my own wounds around being chosen or wanted.
Spiritual bypassing can also create a disconnect from others. When we avoid feeling our pain, we can become less empathetic to the struggles of those around us. I’ve caught myself trying to rationalize someone’s behavior—whether it was in a friendship or a relationship—instead of acknowledging my own feelings of hurt and frustration. This can make it harder to form genuine connections because we’re not fully showing up with our emotions.
How to Avoid Bypassing
The first step to avoiding emotional and spiritual bypassing is awareness. When we notice ourselves jumping to positive affirmations or trying to rationalize pain away, we need to pause. It’s okay not to be okay sometimes. Sitting with the discomfort of grief, anger, or sadness is okay. It’s necessary.
During my healing process, especially after deep personal losses, I found that the real breakthroughs came when I allowed myself to feel everything. I stopped trying to “fix” my emotions with positive thinking and instead let myself be vulnerable with my pain. It’s messy, but healing is never linear. I found that by journaling regularly—writing out the hard feelings and acknowledging them—I could truly process my emotions rather than bypass them.
The Power of Compassion in Healing
Compassion for ourselves is key. It’s easy to feel like we should be further along or more “spiritually evolved” than we are, but the truth is healing is a lifelong journey. Sometimes, we’ll fall into bypassing, but recognizing it and being gentle with ourselves when we do is part of the process. For me, self-compassion means acknowledging when I’ve tried to skip over a painful part of my healing, forgiving myself, and committing to doing the deeper work.
I often reflect on the idea of compassion versus resentment. Finding compassion—whether it’s for others or for ourselves—helps us release the resentment that keeps us stuck. That’s the real work of healing: not bypassing the hard emotions but working through them with patience, understanding, and self-love.
BOOK RECOMMENDATION: "Radical Acceptance" by Tara Brach
"The Untethered Soul " by Michael A. Singer
"The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown
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