One of the reasons I avoided dating was that I would find myself in an inner battle with my emotions and logic. I would fall hard and fast for someone, which made absolutely no sense logically, but emotionally, I would become an absolute wreck. Still, I would find myself obsessing over someone I didn’t know, and I would have to fight not to look at their social media or distract myself by going on walks so I wouldn’t be staring at my phone waiting for them to call. In my mind, I knew that reality wasn’t matching what I was feeling emotionally, and it was such an awful feeling that I became terrified of meeting someone new because I would go into this state that was highly uncomfortable for me.
I wanted to understand why this was happening. I realized that something was happening psychologically that I needed to be aware of and heal whatever was causing it. I searched and searched. I found things about attachment styles, OCD, and neediness. Although some of this made sense to me, it still didn’t wholly explain why I was feeling this conflict in my mind. Then I found the term limerence, I started reading about it, and the light went off! This is what I was doing.
Have you ever found yourself obsessing over someone, replaying every interaction, and hanging on to every word, hoping for more? That might be limerence. Limerence is a state of involuntary obsession with another person, often called the "limerent object" (LO). It's different from love or lust because it's driven by uncertainty about whether the person you desire also wants you. This ambiguity creates an emotional rollercoaster of euphoria and despair, depending on how you perceive their reactions toward you.
Signs of Limerence
Limerence can manifest in several intense ways, including:
Obsessive focus: You might spend hours thinking about the person, replaying interactions, or checking their social media. Every gesture, comment, or text message becomes a puzzle piece you analyze endlessly.
Idealization: The LO is often seen as flawless, and red flags are ignored or rationalized. You imagine them as the perfect partners, even though this version might not reflect reality.
Emotional dependence: Your mood becomes dependent on interactions with the LO. A positive encounter may lift you into euphoria, while a neutral or negative one can devastate you.
Intrusive thoughts: You find it difficult to think about anything else, as thoughts about the LO continuously invade your mind, even when focusing on other aspects of your life.
Limerence can be consuming and challenging to control. Left unchecked, it can feel like you're losing control of your emotions.
Limerence and Fantasy: The Escape from Reality
One key characteristic of limerence is a tendency to retreat into fantasy. In these imagined scenarios, you control the narrative, and everything plays out perfectly. But the reality is much messier. When faced with real-life imperfections or inconsistencies in the LO's behavior, anxiety spikes, often leading to disappointment or emotional turmoil.
Ignoring red flags: You might romanticize behaviors that, under different circumstances, would be considered concerning. This is part of maintaining the fantasy, where the LO remains idealized.
Avoiding reality: Fear of discovering too much about the LO can lead to anxiety because it threatens the perfection of your imagined relationship. You might prevent deeper conversations or interactions that could dismantle your fantasy world.
In many ways, limerence is about self-soothing through imagination. The fantasy of a perfect connection provides emotional comfort, even when the reality of the situation doesn’t match up.
When I discovered this aspect of limerence, the dots started to connect. I was able to evaluate how I self-soothe, and I realized I use fantasy whenever I am under a lot of stress. The majority of my fantasies involved me in a dance recital again, dancing on stage. Dancing has always been my greatest love, so it made sense for me to fantasize about it. It was also a harmless fantasy that didn’t involve anyone else, just me dancing. Then, I looked at how I would think about things when I dated and found that I created fantasies within that realm—learning that I limerate to relieve myself from a stressful situation. The beginnings of dating would always trigger stress for me due to the uncertainty of what would come later. There was a fear of rejection, fear of wasting time, fear of the person I met showing me who they really are and me not liking them anymore, or fear of catching feelings and becoming attached. So, I created a reality that felt better to me in the moment. Unfortunately, this subconscious action led me into many relationships that were not right for me.
Establishing Boundaries to Manage Limerence
While limerence can feel overwhelming, there are ways to regain control and maintain emotional health. Setting internal and external boundaries is key to managing the intensity of limerence. Here are a few practical steps you can take:
Limit communication frequency: Set specific times when you allow yourself to check or respond to messages from the LO. This helps reduce emotional dependence and anxiety around communication.
Manage emotional investment: Remind yourself that while feelings are natural, you need to maintain emotional balance. Be mindful of how much you fantasize about the relationship, and work on grounding yourself in reality.
Control social media and digital interaction: Avoid obsessively checking the LO’s social media profiles. You can even mute notifications to help reduce the urge to stalk or overanalyze their posts.
Focus on personal well-being: Engage in activities that prioritize self-care, whether exercising, pursuing hobbies, or spending time with friends. These distractions can help you break the obsessive cycle of thoughts around the LO.
Seek support: If limerence becomes unmanageable, talking to a therapist or counselor can help. They can provide tools to manage intrusive thoughts and help you set healthy boundaries.
Moving Beyond Limerence
It's important to recognize that limerence is a typical human experience. Many people go through it, and the intensity usually fades with time. By setting boundaries, focusing on your well-being, and seeking support when necessary, you can manage limerence and move toward healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
One of the other things I did to help me stop limerating was to be mindful of all the self-soothing fantasies I was having, even outside of dating. I started limiting how often I let my mind go into fantasy mode. I would catch myself doing it and stop to bring myself back to the present moment: What do I see, what do I smell, what can I taste, what am I touching, how do my clothes feel on me, what am I doing. Decreasing my daydreaming helped me create a habit of staying present and decreased the habit I had to self-soothe through fantasy. I realized I had to change that habit everywhere in my life. I would tell myself, “I am no longer in a traumatizing situation; I don’t need to escape reality anymore; I have the coping skills to live in the now.”
Remember, authentic connection and intimacy come from a balanced, mutual relationship—not from an idealized fantasy. Be kind to yourself as you navigate these powerful emotions, and take proactive steps to maintain your emotional health.
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