The Difference Between Dysfunction and Destruction: Why I Made It Out

Not all families are the same, and not all trauma comes dressed in obvious wounds. Some families are dysfunctional, while others are psychologically destructive. Understanding the difference between dysfunction and destruction is crucial in identifying what kind of environment you were raised in, and more importantly, what kind of healing you’ll need to do.

What Is Dysfunction?

Family dysfunction can include poor communication, unclear boundaries, passive-aggressive behavior, emotional suppression, or cycles of unhealthy conflict. While not ideal, it often leaves space for individual growth and identity development. As psychologist Dr. Dan Siegel notes in his work on interpersonal neurobiology, environments that allow for emotional expression and self-reflection, even if flawed, help individuals build secure attachment and resilience.

Dysfunction might mean that you grew up around chaos, emotional neglect, or inconsistent support, but you were still allowed some emotional autonomy. You may not have been fully seen, but you weren’t erased. You were allowed to ask questions, even if they weren’t always answered. You had some freedom to discover who you were.

What Is Destruction?

Destruction, on the other hand, is a different psychological landscape entirely. Destructive family systems are built on control, image management, and emotional enmeshment. In these homes, individuality is seen as defiance, and questioning the status quo is treated as betrayal.

Psychologist Dr. Lindsay Gibson, author of "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents," explains that emotionally immature parents often use tactics like guilt, gaslighting, and withdrawal of love to control their children. In destructive homes, love is conditional and always tied to obedience. There is no space for emotional safety or personal truth.

Where dysfunction might frustrate or confuse you, destruction actively harms you. It convinces you that your instincts are wrong, your identity is flawed, and your worth is dependent on compliance. These environments create what trauma specialist Dr. Gabor Maté calls "adaptations to wounding"—survival mechanisms like people-pleasing, dissociation, or hyper-vigilance that become ingrained in your personality.

Why I Made It Out of Destruction

The reason I made it out is simple, yet profound. I was lucky enough to grow up in dysfunction, not destruction. My childhood was messy, but I wasn’t suffocated. My caregivers may not have been emotionally fluent, but they didn’t try to erase who I was. I was encouraged to explore my uniqueness, not punished for it.

Dr. Carl Rogers, the founder of humanistic psychology, emphasized the importance of unconditional positive regard in development. I didn’t have a perfect version of that, but I had enough to believe that I was allowed to think for myself, feel deeply, and grow into my own identity. That space became the foundation for my healing.

The Difference Between Dysfunction and Destruction in Healing

Healing from dysfunction is different from healing from destruction. If you came from dysfunction, you may need to address your boundaries, improve communication, and develop emotional literacy. If you came from destruction, you likely have to rebuild your sense of self from the ground up.

Destructive families often create what psychologists call "trauma bonds," which keep you psychologically tied to abusers through cycles of reward and punishment. You might feel immense guilt when setting boundaries or shame when choosing yourself. Understanding this dynamic is key to breaking free.

Creating Emotional Space

If you had even a sliver of emotional freedom growing up, that’s your in. That’s the space you can build a life from. According to trauma therapist Pete Walker, author of "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving," even small doses of emotional safety in childhood can create a foundation for adult healing. It doesn’t take a perfect upbringing; it takes enough.

I made it out because I had had enough. Enough space. Enough autonomy. Enough hope.

And if you’re still in it, or just beginning to unravel what kind of home you came from, I want you to know something important: you’re not crazy. Dysfunction is confusing. Destruction is cruel. But neither one defines you.

You can make it out, too. You can create emotional safety for yourself now. You can learn the difference between guilt and truth, peace and silence, and love and control.

Knowing that difference changed my life. That’s why I made it out.

Disclaimer: Journaling is a powerful tool to support your healing process. The CBT exercises in Journals to Healing journals are intended to help you analyze and reframe your thoughts as part of a personal growth journey. However, these journals do not replace therapy or professional help. If you are experiencing intense emotions or feelings beyond your control, please seek professional assistance. Resources such as the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (988) and Crisis Text Line (Text HOME to 741741) are available 24/7 for support. Remember, reaching out for help is a strength, and healing is a process.